What "Too Much" Really Means
When I was 14, a drama teacher told me my performance was "too much."
I was playing Miss Hannigan in Annie, and she had come to judge our performances. I'd had a ball playing the character and made the audience howl with laughter.
But not Miss James.
She tore into me in front of the whole school. I was devastated.
And for a long time, I believed she was right: I was too much.
Why we shrink?
That single moment shaped years of self-doubt.
Anytime I was in the spotlight, I felt self-conscious. I started apologising for myself. I made my voice softer, trying to blend in rather than stand out.
I let this one woman's opinion of me derail my sense of self.
Sound familiar?
Many of the women I coach carry similar stories. A critical comment from a manager. Feedback that they're "too aggressive" or "too emotional." Being told to "tone it down" in meetings.
Each experience adds another layer of self-editing, another reason to make themselves smaller.
When does exhaustion become the breaking point?
Eventually, I reached a turning point. Second-guessing every decision, monitoring every word, calibrating every gesture—it became too exhausting to maintain.
The shame I'd carried for so long had to become something else. So I transformed it into fuel.
Once I stopped shrinking, I found my power: my authentic voice.
I discovered that the "too much" me I'd been trying to hide was exactly what made me effective as a leader and communicator. The energy, the expressiveness, the willingness to take up space—these weren't flaws to be managed.
They were strengths to be channeled.
How about you?
Here's what I've come to understand:
when someone tells you you're "too much," what they're often saying is that you make them uncomfortable. You don't fit their expectations. You challenge their assumptions about how someone should show up.
But discomfort isn't always a sign you're doing something wrong. Sometimes it's a sign you're doing something right.
The traits you've been told to suppress are often your greatest assets:
That passion they called "intensity"? It's your ability to inspire and mobilize others.
That directness they labeled "too blunt"? It's your capacity for clarity and honest communication.
That expressiveness they found "unprofessional"? It's your gift for connection and authenticity.
Your unique voice is what sets you apart, not what holds you back.
Effective leadership communication
Now I help women do the same work I had to do: reclaim their authentic voice and step into their full presence as leaders.
This isn't about becoming louder or more aggressive. It's not about performing confidence you don't feel. It's about recognising that authenticity under pressure isn't about being perfect—it's about being real.
When you communicate authentically, you:
Build genuine trust with your team
Make decisions aligned with your values
Lead with authority that doesn't require you to be someone else
Create permission for others to show up fully too
How to strengthen your communication
Every moment you've been told you're "too much" or "not enough"? That's data.
That's showing you where you need to stop performing and start leading.
The feedback that stung the most? Often it's pointing directly at the qualities that make you distinctive. The very things you've learned to hide might be exactly what your leadership needs.
Here's what turning shame into strength actually looks like:
Recognise the pattern. Notice when you're editing yourself. Pay attention to the moments you soften your voice, hedge your opinions, or apologize before speaking. These are the places where old feedback is still running the show.
Question the source. Who gave you that feedback? What was their context? Were they threatened by your presence? Did they have a narrow view of leadership? Not all feedback deserves the power you've given it.
Reclaim what you've suppressed. Those qualities you've been hiding—your humor, your passion, your directness, your creativity—they're not problems to solve. They're resources to harness.
Practice in low-stakes moments. You don't have to overhaul your entire communication style overnight. Start small. Speak up once in a meeting without apologizing. Share an opinion without hedging. Let yourself take up space in a conversation.
Find your people. Surround yourself with people who celebrate your full self rather than asking you to diminish it. Their reflection will help you see your strengths clearly.
The question that sparks change
Take this moment and ask yourself:
Are you still letting someone else's opinion of you shape your communication?
Or are you ready to take up the space you deserve?
Because here's the truth: the world doesn't need more leaders who've learned to make themselves smaller. It needs leaders who've learned to show up fully—with all their passion, perspective, and power intact.
Your voice matters. Your presence matters. Your "too much" might be exactly what's needed.
Have you experienced feedback that's left you hiding your true self? I'd love to hear your story.
And if you're ready to reclaim your authentic voice and develop the presence to lead with confidence, that's exactly what we do at Vermillion Coaching. We work with women leaders to transform self-doubt into strength and help you communicate with the full force of who you are.
Because the most powerful version of you isn't the one who's learned to blend in. It's the one who's learned to stand out.
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If this piece resonated with you, get in touch to explore how coaching can support your leadership journey.
